Previously Posted by The Luvly Lady Linda 3-7-09-Last Night sucked!

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I used to hate to cry. I always thought it was a sign of weakness. My family used to pick on me as a kid and they would make my tears into a game. One sibling would say, “I bet you I can make Linda cry by the time you count to ten!” and they would take some horrible jabs at me. It’s no wonder why I had such a low self-esteem growing up. As I started to get older, I vowed to never cry in front of anyone again. It took a few years of practice but I finally got it down. I learned to distance myself from my family and grow some thick skin around others. Even now when my siblings call me the cryer I have to remind them, “when was the last time you saw me cry??” and they shut up quickly.

A couple of years ago, I backslid on the crying. I fell in love (or so I thought at the time) and was hurt more than words can express. The tears came and I thought they would never stop flowing. I hated it! I hated myself. I thought I was damaged beyond repair and found it hard to breathe at times. When I expressed my feelings about crying, a very wise friend told me that I needed to just let it happen. He said, “tears are our soul’s poop! You gotta let it out!” As silly as that may sound, it made so much sense to me. So I had myself a good cry that lasted about a week and then I was able to move on.

Ever since then, I let the tears flow when I need to. I don’t hold them back at all. If they come, they come! I’m human and I’m not going to be ashamed of having feelings! Call me a drama queen, call me whatever you want. I think tears are healthy!

But tonight…tonight was different. I needed to be strong again. I left the house feeling GREAT! I’ve been on top of the mountain since Friday and I really felt like things were coming together. But I was quickly knocked down again tonight. I felt my face get hot and the tears well up in my eyes. I had to fight it! He didn’t deserve my tears and neither did she! Don’t get me wrong, he did nothing wrong! He doesn’t owe me anything and I never expected anything but a girl is always hopeful that the man she feels for, will feel something for her in return. And when it doesn’t happen, it stings.

I had to step outside to make a few phone calls. But of course, as always, nobody answered. I think sometimes that is a good thing. Nobody is going to “fix” things for me! I have to choose to believe in myself no matter how anybody else views me. But I’m human. So I went back inside and tried to enjoy the rest of my night but the whole time I felt the pain in my heart.

When I got home, I just wanted to let the tears out! If I could just let my soul poop, everything would be ok. I could just get rid of the waste then move on; get some sleep and wake up to a brand new day. But of course, even as I sit here and relive the night in my mind, the shock, the hurt and the realization that I again am nothing but the understanding “friend” the tears just won’t come.

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